Some · people · fall · in · love · and · touch · the · sky...

In our own sweet way, we've had a conversation mimicking the early dialogues between Romeo and Juliet. (I don't know if you realize how much I've adored Romeo and Juliet all of my life, but it's pretty fucking ridiculous. My entire stomach will be dedicated to R+J tattoos.)

ROMEO

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

JULIET appears above at a window

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:
Be not her maid, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my lady, O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were!
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!

Ay me!

She speaks:
O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art
As glorious to this night, being o'er my head
As is a winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

I take thee at thy word:
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.

What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night
So stumblest on my counsel?

By a name
I know not how to tell thee who I am:
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,
Because it is an enemy to thee;
Had I it written, I would tear the word.

My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words
Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound:
Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?

Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.

How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?
The orchard walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my kinsmen find thee here.

With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do that dares love attempt;
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.

If they do see thee, they will murder thee.

Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye
Than twenty of their swords: look thou but sweet,
And I am proof against their enmity.

I would not for the world they saw thee here.

I have night's cloak to hide me from their sight;
And but thou love me, let them find me here:
My life were better ended by their hate,
Than death prorogued, wanting of thy love.

By whose direction found'st thou out this place?

By love, who first did prompt me to inquire;
He lent me counsel and I lent him eyes.
I am no pilot; yet, wert thou as far
As that vast shore wash'd with the farthest sea,
I would adventure for such merchandise.

Thou know'st the mask of night is on my face,
Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek
For that which thou hast heard me speak to-night
Fain would I dwell on form, fain, fain deny
What I have spoke: but farewell compliment!
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say 'Ay,'
And I will take thy word: yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove false; at lovers' perjuries
Then say, Jove laughs. O gentle Romeo,
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully:
Or if thou think'st I am too quickly won,
I'll frown and be perverse an say thee nay,
So thou wilt woo; but else, not for the world.
In truth, fair Montague, I am too fond,
And therefore thou mayst think my 'havior light:
But trust me, gentleman, I'll prove more true
Than those that have more cunning to be strange.
I should have been more strange, I must confess,
But that thou overheard'st, ere I was ware,
My true love's passion: therefore pardon me,
And not impute this yielding to light love,
Which the dark night hath so discovered.

Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear
That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops--

O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

What shall I swear by?

Do not swear at all;
Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self,
Which is the god of my idolatry,
And I'll believe thee.

If my heart's dear love--

Well, do not swear: although I joy in thee,
I have no joy of this contract to-night:
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say 'It lightens.' Sweet, good night!
This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.
Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest
Come to thy heart as that within my breast!

O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.

I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:
And yet I would it were to give again.

Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?

But to be frank, and give it thee again.
And yet I wish but for the thing I have:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.

Nurse calls within

I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.

Current Mood:	loved
Current Music:	Copeland

Volume One.

I have described this album as one of the most perfect albums of all time based on sheer content alone. (I am not a student of recording engineering so I cannot aptly comment on the production quality of the album, but to the untrained album it sounds very solid.) I stand by my claim because as a whole, this album is simply flawless. 

The whole mood and feeling of the album evokes so many emotions at once that it's overwhelming, but not necessarily in a negative way. Chris Martin's voice has always been a little bit haunting and curious, at least to me, and I am quite a fan of unique voices. Seeing live performances (or even just lip-syncing in his music videos) always astounds me because of how much he uses his body to intensify his music. 

For some reason, my mind links Chris Martin and Thom Yorke of Radiohead. I think that it's a fair association.

Track by track:
1. "Don't Panic" - The first time I heard this track was on the movie Garden State and I remember being impressed by it. I find it to be a great choice for the opening track of the album because it allows the listener to go into the album with a sense of optimism. My favorite section of the song is the very last line of it: " 'Cause, yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on." (I'm not sure, but I think/hope that the title is referencing the book The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. Fantastic series of books, by the way.)
2. "Shiver" - This song always struck me as a great opening track as well, but it's a great track in and of itself. The music itself makes the song sound positive while the lyrics are rather stalker-ish. If you get past the stalker feel of it, you will find that it's actually kind of sweet. Take, for instance, this part of the song: "Oh, did you want me to change? Well, I'd change for good and I want you to know that you'll always get your way." Fabulous song.
3. "Spies" - This song is straight-up creepy and feels very urgent to me. I love the dark vibe of it and how his voice sounds almost strained and scared. This portion of the song is what really makes the urgent and scary feeling come out: "And if we don't hide here, they're gonna find us. And if we don't hide now, they're gonna catch us when we sleep. And if we don't hide here, they're gonna find us." This song paints a picture of two fugitives running hand-in-hand, seeking freedom. I love it.
4. "Sparks" - This is one of my very favorite songs on the album. For me, this is a song of promise and care. I could see late nights, curled up with a loved one with this song playing softly in the background. "I promise you this, I'll always look out for you. Yeah, that's what I'll do." Perfect.
5. "Yellow" - I believe that this was the only track off of Parachutes to get much widespread airplay and for good reason. This song was a really good way for the world to be introduced to Coldplay and this song has "single" written all over it. This is a great song to include on a mix CD to a lover because it's very romantic. The closing lines almost leave me in tears because of how most of the background just drops out and you're left with Chris Martin's voice sweetly singing with an acoustic guitar "Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you, and all the things that you do."
6. "Trouble" - I would have to say that this is my second favorite track off of the album. This song embodies all of the things that I sit and wrack my brain over at the end or near the end of a relationship. I always wonder what it was that I did, what I said, and then feel so badly for causing the person grief. "Oh no, I see a spider web is tangled up with me. And I lost my head; the thought of all the stupid things I'd said." Beautiful orchestration and feeling.
7. "Parachutes" - I think that it's funny that the title track to the album is 46 seconds long. This song is short and sweet. "In a haze, a stormy haze. I'll be 'round, I'll be loving you always."
8. "High Speed" - This conveys to me a sense of needing to break free. To calm down. To simply take a breather. I love this song for its content and how in the middle there seems to be a conversation between two people before they take a leap: "Confidence in you, is confidence in me, is confidence in a high speed."
9. "We Never Change" - I feel so saddened by this song because it represents a loss in faith. I've felt a loss like this often in my life and it suits certain moods. It suits when you've just given up because someone just never changes even when you have high hopes. "Oh and I don't have a soul to save. Yes and I sin every single day."
10. "Everything's Not Lost" - I couldn't have picked a better official closing track myself. The album opens with a sort of optimism and closes with it as well. The song is actually pretty well summed up by its title although it is definitely a worthy listen. The song ends very powerfully with a sort of chorus/sing-a-long, which I love. "When I counted up my demons, saw there was one for every day. With the good ones on my shoulders, I drove the other ones away."
11. "Life Is For Living" - This track is a bonus/hidden track shortly after "Everything's Not Lost." This has to be one of my favorite parts of the album because of the way it is produced. It has a very old-time, vinyl, scratchy quality to it and speaks a succinct yet powerful message. "Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone."

I call it a must have.

Current Mood:	drained
Current Music:	Coldplay

"And I don't know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow..."

I'm starting at the end because this needs to be closed sooner than the rest. He stopped talking to me one night for no reason at all. Directly prior to this, he threatened to blow off work for the rest of the week and drive to Murfreesboro to see me because I was crying on the phone with him, which hadn't happened before. One of the biggest mistakes that I have made in my entire life is encouraging him to stay and NOT lose his job. I knew that something was wrong and the sinking feeling in my stomach was only strenghtening that feeling..my heart didn't want to face it.

"One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say it's alright
You got your heart right..."

I called him a few times and left a few voicemails to virtually no avail. A week or two later he called and apologized; I was busy at the time and was so mad at him that I couldn't talk at that moment. I hadn't fully collected my thoughts, I was busy being so hurt and angry with him that I couldn't even form entire sentences. I called him back the next day and he never answered or called me back.

"Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight..."

It's kind of scary how close I was to dropping everything to drive to him. I was and am still tight with his big brother and I wanted for things to be like a movie: I'd drive to him, it'd be raining (of course), his doorbell would ring, and I would be soaking wet, standing on the other side. How perfect it would have been to have had a goodbye and how stupid I feel for not doing something like that, even though it was completely irrational.

"All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters..."

He mentioned something to me when he called me for the last time about how he was scared because of how much he cared for me and how hard it is for him to not be able to see me very much at all. He talked about moving out here to finish up school because of the recording industry program and to be with me. I never asked him to because his life came before being with me in all circumstances, period. The fact that I attend a college with a mother fucker of a recording industry program is purely coincidental--I would have suggested MTSU even if I didn't go here. I had all of these stupid scenarios in my head of he and I having a little house with the white picket fence, a cat, a dog, and lists of chores and maintenance to do..but being so good together that it was all enjoyable.

"And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left..."

The saddest part about the whole situation was that geographically and financially our relationship was impossible. We had love for each other and we were amazing together, but it just never would have worked. The fact that I feel right using the word "impossible" makes it that much more heartbreaking. I am a firm believer in the fact that everything is possible..but that just wasn't.

"Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right..."

For almost a month after we stopped talking, I would do nothing but cry all night and listen to Beck's "Sea Change." I was a walking zombie and it was one of the few times in my life that my tear ducts got a good cleansing. I don't think that I have been that mentally and emotionally beaten up in my nineteen years of existence.

"I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away..."

Why did he let me go? He was so sweet to me and he loved me. I was his little "darlin' " and he was my sweet boy. No one has ever treated me as well as he did which always makes me wonder. Not many people can see something in me that is worth pursuing and I'm not entirely sure why. I know that I've always been "one of the guys" or whatever, but sometimes I want someone to think more about my head and less about my chest. He was that way and, Lord almighty, did I love him for it. He was so respectful and he made me feel completely secure in the way that I needed to feel secure. He respected my independence, we always chose bros before hoes (in a manner of speaking), but we always had a little time just to talk. Our conversations were epic, not any of that "Oooooh I love you sooooo much, BABY." Hell no. We talked like friends..we were best friends.

To this day he has never returned my phone call.

"Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness..."

I'm far too young to be in a serious relationship or even be in love like that, but sometimes I think that if he had asked me to marry him, I might have. I have figured out the way that I am and now I'm living my life for me, as I've always done. I'm not asking for anything like that any time soon..it was nice while it lasted. I'm not one for relationships at all, but sometimes they'll come and sneak up on you.

It's been a year and a half and I have been at peace with the situation for QUITE some time now. It felt good to reminisce and close that chapter of thought, in lieu of the recent dream that I wrote about in my last LJ entry.

I am good at picking up my pieces and moving on because I don't rely on anyone else but me. I am responsible for how I live my life, I am responsible for my problems, I am responsible for my catastrophies, I am responsible for my actions, I am responsible for the results of my actions, I am responsible for ME and no one else. I don't expect for anyone to be there, though it is nice to have someone to talk about things with, which is why I speak to my parents so much--they understand lots of what goes on with me and they love and support me no matter what the situation is.

I have some pretty amazing friends, too. My closest friend and best confidante has been Chris Payne. This man means more to me than lots of people and I would probably be somewhere about to implode with too many thoughts if he didn't let me talk things out and listen to me whenever I needed to. The most supportive people in my life are men and that's why I hang around them so much, not to mention the fact that a good 95% of the time I act like a man.

I've been hurt before..many, many times. I have definitely moved on from all of them and I am free of restrictions. I'm not a big ball of insecurities anymore and I've found my peace. I pray to God that all of the people in my life can feel the peace that I feel and be able to realize all of the things that they have been blessed with. People are blessed with distinctly different things whether it be people, talents, thoughts, or abilities and hopefully those blessings will be treated as such.

Nicholas, I loved you. I loved you with as big of a love that I could and then some. Maybe someday I'll forget about you, but I'll never forget how you made me feel.

"Maybe when things turn green again it will be good to say you know me..."

Current Mood:	thoughtful
Current Music:	Jack's Mannequin